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Creating a singularity
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I very nearly caused a rift in the continuity of space this morning byriding the bus,while reading Douglas Coupland,and listening to Vampire Weekend,on my iPodthinking I should (re)resurrect an old piece of fictionIf anyone suffered existential crisis around 7:45MST, you have my apologies.... |
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Allergic
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"Hey buddy, can you do me a favour?" "What do you need?" "I haven't eaten in like four days, and I'm a couple bucks short of getting a large pizza. Can you help me out?" (pause) "I don't have any cash, but here, take this" (reach into bag and pull out an apple fritter) "Oh." (pause) "Thanks man, but I can't - I'm allergic to bread products."... |
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I uh, um, thank you?
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Worst slogan ever. |
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Overheard
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Man: "If this postdoc doens't work out, I can always go back to the escort business."... |
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Anglos
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In the entry, as it may offend some sensibilities (that means you, Mom).... |
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A brief glimpse into our dogs' psyches
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On Saturday, after finally finishing the rail cap on the deck in our backyard, I brought up our two wood lounging chairs to go on the patio. They're our absolute favourite chairs in the universe, and I'm really looking forward to spending many an evening looking out at our garden. I'm not the only one who loves the chairs though - Ruby has taken a shine to them as well. Ruby, you must understand, is quite the princess in our house. By her Herculean will alone, she broke the "no animals on the furniture" rule mere days after her arrival.... |
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Double-header
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"I'm not moving." I'm biking home the other day, on my usual route across the 109 St bridge. Ahead of me, about halfway across the bridge, I see a group of three walking towards me, side by side, taking up the entire width of the walkway. As I start slowing down, I hope that one of them will move aside to let me pass, but nobody's budging - they just keep walking towards me, side by side. As I get within talking distance, the girl closest to the roadway looks at me and says, "I'm not moving buddy." I'm a... |
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Don't Buy at CompusSmart
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I wasn't even using my angry voice at the time . . . A kid named Thomas told me to "Calm down Lady" -- twice. The manager was indifferent; the counter staff glass-eyed and slow moving. In what universe is that appropriate? This was quite frankly the worst service I have had in a town of service industry faux pas. Take your money to Memory Express. They are the good ones. --The disgusted Dr.... |
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I'm with stupid
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Overheard during an argument Well, one of us is stupid, and it's not you!... |
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God is...
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Overheard... "So what do you thnk God looks like?" "I think he looks like Optimus Prime." "Really? I think he looks like Jean-Luc Picard." "No, even better, he looks like Jean-Luc Picard driving Optimus Prime!" And later in the week, while watching a movie... "Hey... that's John Leguizamo! Is he in this movie?"... |
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come out!
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I had run into the bathroom at Superstore a couple nights ago, but the stall was already full. Someone had his young son in there, and the son was humming away to himself -- I imagine he was also swinging his legs back and forth, like I used to do when I was a little kid sitting on the loo. After a minute or so, they had this conversation: "Hey, how're you doing?" "I'm good. La la la la laaaa la laaa la laaa." "I thought you said the poop was coming out!" "It was, but it's not anymore. Poopie........... |
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Five minutes
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I'm locking my bike up outside the Italian Bakery, when a small group of twoenty-something street kids starts walking towards me. The leader of the pack turns towards me and we have the following conversation: "Hey. Dude." "Ya?" "Can I borrow your bike, for like 5 minutes?" "Uh... ya, no." "But dude, I only need it for like five minutes." "Still no" I finished locking my bike up, and started heading towards the Italian bakery. I hear him mumble something under his breath (likely along the lines of "I can't believe that didn't work," and say "Cheers, man." as I... |
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little rain cloud
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Kirsten and I were out in the garden the other morning, milling about before we had to go to work. I was on one side of the house, and she was sitting on the front steps, when she said, "Hey... it's raining!". I thought this was a little odd, since I hadn't felt a single drop of rain, but when I looked over I saw that she was right -- it was raining on her half of the front yard. She didn't believe me until she walked over to where I was and stepped out of the rain. (Story note:... |
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Stanley who now?
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As you may or may not have heard, apparently Edmonton is in the Stanley Cup Final. Who knew (other than us, every time the Oilers won, when we could hear the revelry 19 blocks away from Whyte Ave)? Today, the Clarence S. Campbell Bowl was on display in City Center mall; throngs of people were in front of it, taking pictures with their camera phones. (Note: I wasn't there to look at the cup; I had to run into the mall to mail a letter). Overheard heading back up the elevator: "You know, the thing has six sides.. do they... |
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ugh.
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bleah. someone in the my section of the cube farm has really, really bad gas. thank god I can leave here in an hour and get some fresh air.... |
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Casual Day
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You know, there is perhaps some irony in an engraved bronze plaque, sitting on a receptionist's desk, that exclaims TODAY IS CASUAL DAY. I'm just saying.... |
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The Oilers won last night
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So the Oilers won last night. "But Darren," you say, "you're not a hockey fan... how do you know?" I know because I heard the cheering and horn-honking from Whyte Ave, 19 blocks away from where we live.... |
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Overheard
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"So one year he dressed up as a carton of milk for Halloween. And at one house, the guy who answered the door said, 'Ooh, a carton of milk - how scary!' to which M replied, 'Why, are you lactose intolerant?'"... |
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Ping
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In a company meeting not too long ago, the presenter was introducing new employees. When he got to an obviously Chinese employee, someone in the audience called out "Great! We need someone for our ping pong team!"... |
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Curse
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Overheard: "There's an old Jewish curse: 'May all your teeth fall out except one, so that you may have a toothache'. Well, my tooth hurts."... |
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Overheard
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Him: "Some people are put off by you. I think it's because you dress too liberal. The people here are pretty conservative and, you know, you look sort of avant garde." Me, looking down at the blue, pinstriped blazer, solid coloured tshirt and jeans I'm wearing: "....."... |
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And that's the news
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I was sitting in the bus on the way to work this morning, and happened to look out the window at the traffic beside us when I noticed something a little unusual about the car next to me. It took me a minute or so to fully take it in, but the car was completely full of newspapers -- there had to be a good 500 pounds of newsprint in the back seat alone. And the back seat wasn't the only part of the car full of newspapers -- the front passenger seat was full as well, to the point... |
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And her social security number is...
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Over the weekend, Kirsten and I went to watch our friend Helena compete in a synchronized skating competition (of course, we didn't go for the full day, because that would just be silly). As we sat down to wait for her team to take the ice, the MC wandered out onto the ice and started announcing the results of a draw the competition was holding. He started out innocuously enough, calling out the name of the first winner. And then things started to get weird: for the next winner, he called out the name and home phone number. For another... |
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Pirates
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Hello -- This is Kirsten, the blog pirate. In the Edmonton Splendor category... I was jogging the puppies today and on the way home noticed a house flying the pirate flag.. apart from feeling a certain kinship, I wondered what it meant about my upcoming Alberta citizenship. Have they decided to invade just in time to take my prosperity cheque?... |
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Edmonton Splendour
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On the LRT ride in this morning, I watched the man in the seat ahead of me have a very spirited conversation. There were only two problems: first, he wasn't actually speaking, he was only making gestures and moving his head and eyes. Second, he didn't have a conversational partner; his conversation was with a non-existent person sitting next to him. It was a good conversation, though, judging from his body language.... |
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Deere, John
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Only in Edmonton could one look out their office window at the Arts district, and see a huge John Deere display in the central square between City Hall and the Library.... |
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This entry brought to you by Labatt's
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There is an alarming amount of Edmonton Splendour entries that have something to do with my morning commute, usually by bike or bus. Today's is no different; it happened while I was biking home on Friday. I was biking down 109 St, just about to cross the Upper Levels bridge, when a truck swerved up beside me. I'm pretty used to this, being a biker in Edmonton, so I wasn't too phased. That is, until the driver threw a can of beer at me. He missed thankfully, but I was left completely baffled as to what my response should be.... |
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overheard
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"What? That's what I always do some of the time"... |
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Hullo!
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As previously mentioned, Kirsten's brother Nathan and his partner Amanda were up for a surprise visit. Part of our job as hosts was to take them to West Edmonton Mall, the destination of any visitor to our fine city (it is, in fact, our civic duty and obligation to take out-of-towners to the Mall). I snuck away from the pack for a few minutes to look in a hobby shop (Comex Hobbies), just to see if anything had really changed in the 15 years since I'd last stepped into a hobby shop. In short, no, nothing had changed. The same... |
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Dazed and confused, and possibly famous.
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This morning, fresh out of the daze of the morning commute to work, I encountered the promotional campaign for the Edmonton Film Festival. The marketing company had set up a red carpet blocking access to the elevators, which meant everyone coming into work had to pass through a gauntlet of marketroids. I thought I could just duck my head down and motor on through, but it was not to be. They assaulted me with newspapers, cameras, a cacaphony of questions ("How does it feel to find out about the film festival?" "Is it true you were seen with...", etc), and... |
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Weird.
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I rode the bus on Monday and Tuesday, and nothing weird happened. That's really weird.... |
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Weirdest. Thief. Ever.
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A little bit about the thief. |
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Weird
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Just now at work, out of the corner of my eye, I swear I saw someone walk by in a bathrobe.... |
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Single voice
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Seen on the drive (long story involving little sleep last night and oversleeping my alarm) into work this morning: a single protester on the Legislative building lawn with a "Stop Gay Bashing" sign, waving to morning commuters. He's likely protesting the latest crap to spurt out of Ralph Klein's mouth, or the recent attack against a gay couple, or both. It seems like there should be more than one person there.... |
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Overheard
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A woman walks around the corner of my office building, into a gale-force wind (it gets really windy around our building, for some reason): "Man... where's Mary Poppins when you need her?"... |
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Edmonton Splendour: Elevator Cop
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In the elevator this morning, the security guy that usually hangs out on the main floor was travelling with us. He started chatting up one of the passengers, a lawyer in her late 30s/early 40s about some deck chairs he picked up. He explains that his wife works at Michaels, so they picked them up cheap, and he figured that he'd stain the parts before he put the chairs together. He gets off on the 23rd floor. As she exits on the 24th floor, she says to the rest of us, "I thought Michaels was a bar..."... |
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Liveblogging the Queen's visit from 27 floors up
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Play-by-play of the Queen's visit to downtown Edmonton. |
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This shit is bananas
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Yelled across the street at me, as I step out of the car to pay for parking and Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" spills out of the speakers: "Hey! How's Sweet Valley High?!"... |
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Edmonton Splendour: All in the family
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People will sell anything at a garage sale, it appears. |
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It's our fault
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We put out the patio furniture last night, because we were reorganizing our basement and wanted to get them the hell out of there. Of course, that means that today, it started snowing. I told a coworker about this coincidence, and he replied, "There's a special place in hell for people like you."... |
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Overheard...
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"Social issues... pfft. We're in business."... |
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Hang 'em all.
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Hang 'em high, and hang 'em low. |
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Made in Japan
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It was made in Japan. |
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How to tell you're in Edmonton
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Is it possible for us to be more Albertan? |
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The end is nigh
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The end is near; and it brings accompaniment. |
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Edmonton Splendour
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It's another day commuting in Edmonton... |
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Edmonton Splendour
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"You're lying to me!" |
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"They're just the same to me"
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Overheard on "Trading Spouses" last night: "I'd just as likely talk to the president as I would the garbage man... there's no difference between them to me." I wonder if her interpretation of that statement is the same as mine?... |
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Edmonton Splendour
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Weird and weirder. |
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Edmonton Splendour
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Digital storytelling. |
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Overheard
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Overheard. |
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Random utterance
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mm. |
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Overseen
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Riding into work this morning, I watched a car run over a biker's front tire. He finished pulling around the corner, and got out of the car to check on her. As I pedalled past (the biker wasn't hurt) I heard him say, "Are you alright? I was watching you for a long time, and nothing was happening, so..." Update: Pam writes: "I can't imagine the exact geometry involved in this collision. Was the bike in motion with rider in the saddle, or had the cyclist dismounted to cross the street? "Run over the front tire" sounds like a bad... |