Warning: some self-pitying contained within, written freely and without editing. Do not read without grain of salt, and please do not email regarding it. (also, comments closed)
Maybe it's the time of year, the dark mornings and evenings, the fact I have a 20 page term paper, a 6 page business paper, a client's site, a database front-end, and a 13-hour drive all coming up in the next two weeks, but I'm feeling a little stressed and down right now.
Specifically, at this precise moment, I feel kind of stupid. This relates most to the 20 page term paper I have due for one of my classes. I have an idea of what it is I'm writing about, but it's nebulous and fuzzy, as if I'm looking at it without my glasses. I was reminded of this by an email from Scott, one of the second-year HuCo students who is organizing the Huco Student Conference in January, asking for my proposal.
My response to this (which will have to be built up into a short proposal this weekend) was that I was going to write about looking at publication on the Internet through the lens of pamphlet culture in seventeenth-century England. And that is what I want to write about, and what I've done a fair bit of research on... yet I haven't yet been able to refine it beyond that point.
I suppose, like any other writing I have ever done, things will start coming together once I actually start writing; the process of writing ideas down, freely, usually starts leading me in a particular direction, from where I can hone the writing and create something decent.
Of course, this is now 'the big leagues'. It's not quite the same as when I sat down to write Apache Essentials. This is academic writing, an entirely different beast. I'm nervous, in a sense, because this style of writing has been foreign to my fingers for the last 6 years. Yes, I've been exposed to academic writing through Kirsten, reading her papers, scanning through articles of hers to transcribe passages when she was studying for her exams... but the process of actually creating the words themselves has been left unpracticed. I'm nervous that I won't be able to get that voice; that if I try, I will be found out as a hack and sent spiraling off campus in shame.
Kirsten is, of course, more than happy to edit the paper and make suggestions for improvement. I'm a horrible person to edit, however; though I love the process of editing (someone else), and often have suggestions for how something can be bettered, I am the worst possible person for being edited and receiving suggestions - more from people I am close to (such as Kirsten) than people I am not (such as a fellow employee or a manager). I don't know if it's hubris or embarrasment, or whether it even matters. It may also be that I feel it's losing face in front of those I love, or - even worse - looking far less intelligent than I think I am. Whatever it is, it's something I really do need to work on.
Creatively, I feel dry. I've been taking some photos around town over the last few days, but nothing seems to really inspire me. It could be that I'm getting tired of the same surroundings - my circles are very small here in Edmonton: I walk to corner of 63rd and 109th, wait for my bus, often read on the way to work, work, go to school, and go home. Rinse. Repeat. When I'm home, there's work yet to be done, whether it is on the house, on my own work, chores (which I apologize to Kirsten for not keeping on top of), or elsewise. It's completely my own doing, but I just don't feel like I get to have any down-time, any time to just relax, be happy, play on the computer, drive around aimlessly, or what have you. And that really does wear at me, creatively. I had a chance to make something truly stunning for my HuCo term project, and instead made something I feel is lacklustre. I've sat down a couple of times to create something better, but have run into a block each time.
Funnily, the business paper, in the class I'm doing least well in (hovering around a B, the mark I need to 'stay' in the Masters program, compared to the As and A plusses I'm getting in my HuCo classes), is the one I'm least worried about. 6 pages, in comparison, seems a veritable nothingness, something I can knock off in an afternoon (which is about as much time as I have to do it). Even though the world the business class exists in is completely alien to me.
Likewise, I'm not worried about the client site either. I've already built a skeleton - I now need to add flesh and blood to complete the first phase of its construction. I'll also be working on it through the holiday break in order to deliver it to the client at least a month early (is the hope). I don't feel behind on the project, and in fact, schedule-wise, I'm pretty much right on time. I'm happy with how it is working out.
Mainly, it all comes down to the term paper, and what I am going to write for it. How I am going to write for it. I've asked for (and will hopefully receive) an extension on the paper, so the current plan is to drive down to BC, and lock myself in a room with Kirsten's laptop for a couple of days to get it all out.
In the end, I'm left thinking "this too shall pass"; everything I need to do will get done - this I know. I know I will get some relaxation when we drive down to Abbotsford for the holidays, and that I will be happy to see everyone I haven't seen in so long a time. I know that I will get my papers written, that chores will be done, and projects will be completed. I know that January will be a comparitively blissful month wherein the cycle starts anew.
And I know I'll likely write another one of these long, rambling, whiny notes in April.