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>> Darren » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 02:49 PM

There once was a young lady in London who went crazy and started making toilet paper hats.

>> » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 03:08 PM

She made them for everone and every thing she thought needed to look a little more posh; from mice to the blind lady in Goldsmith row, she happily gave them away as fine 'textile' treasures.

>> » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 03:26 PM

Looking around, the young lady noticed that the empty rolls of the toilet paper could very much be used as fine bracelets of jewelery.

>> Anders » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 03:32 PM

The young lady, whose named was Millicent Augustine Finch, would inscribe on each hat a thoughtful thought. Well-wishes such as "You will find your prince charming". Bits of wisdom such as "Never turn a blind eye on a deaf juggler". And the occasional vindictive snipe, such as "Janice Baker who lives in the Haverton building borrowed by good iron and did not return it."

There wasn't a person in the world that Millicent hated more than Janice Baker.

>> miss amanda » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 03:39 PM

Millicent had detested the wild and free lifestyle of Janice Baker for years and years. When they were young girls Millicent was always horrified to watch Janice fancy all of the local boys with her My little pony underwear. Janice would spin her skirt as she walked down the sidewalk with her skipping rope, and reveal her knickers to all of the boys and blow them kisses. Millicent was jealous of this attention, and wished her mother would buy her underwear with neat cartoon characters on it as well.

>> » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 03:51 PM

As jealous as she had always been of Janice Baker, the deapth of her emotion (for Millicent Augustine Finch had always been a sensitive girl) fueled her creativity. Sadly, her job as a bank teller likewise dampened it. Although she enjoyed thumbing through curency, and finding new ways to greet familiar customers, her move toward bank note oragami had been rather harshly frowned upon by her boss Mr Turtlegrammy. Her days had for a long time been bleak and gray as the perverbial yellow fog which smothered rather than nuzzled her as she walked the same paths she had since childhood.

>> Anders » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:01 PM

Millicent decided that a gun would solve all of her problems. So she finished her shift at the bank and headed off towards Hal's House of Guns and Ammo.

>> » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:09 PM

On the way to the gun store, Millicent, a sensible girl as well as creative, decided that before doing anything too rash, she should had a nip of tea and stopped by the store to pick up some Earl Grey tea (loose leaf of course), and some Peak Freans cookies.

>> Darren » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:15 PM

Much to her dismay, when Millicent got to the store, she found they were out of Peek Freans! Oh no, look out Mr Grocer!

>> Anders » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:25 PM

Millicent was now full of RAGE. She fashioned a makeshift sledgehammer from a mop handle and a canned ham, and went to work on the entire cookie aisle. When she was through, she straightened her dress, dusted the crumbs off her coat, and continued on her errand.

>> Darren » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:27 PM

Millicent, after all, was a respectable woman, and wouldn't be caught dead with cookie crumb on her dress!

>> miss amanda » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:27 PM

Her errand to the GUN shop that is. Hal's. Despite the fact that Hal sold manya violent weapons to people, he was a jolly man.

>> Anders » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:28 PM

In Hal's House of Guns and Ammo, the proprietor leaned back in his chair, scratched his belly, and yawned. A rerun of Miami Vice played out in pastels on a small color television that sat on the counter.

>> Darren » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:36 PM

Hal was an unfortunately large soul, who spent much of his days watching Don Johnson films and TV shows. He'd sent literally thousands of letters to the producers of Nash Bridges, offering his store as a filming location.

>> » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:40 PM

As might be assumed, Millicent was not comfortable in such a location:there was dust all around, the guns hardly seemed clean, and Hal belched hello, rather than saying it. Millicent Augustine Finch left the store in search of another answer.

>> Darren » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:41 PM

Her answer came in the form of Huggy Bear who, after having lost his fortune trying to hoard Starsky & Hutch memoribilia, had taken to selling small arms on the streets of London.

>> Darren » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:42 PM

It was a charmed life.

>> Anders » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:48 PM

Hal, overcome with generosity and inspired by his hero Don Jonson, emerged from the store and handed Millicent a shiny new 9 mm ceramic Glock with a silver handle and big red bow. Then he disappeared back inside.

>> » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:50 PM

Huggy Bear, amoung other things, had taken to hoarding guns now, but also household goods. If you needed windex at 3 am he was your man. If you happened to run out of floor wax, he'd get it for you. Yes, a very accomidating man, with much to offer.

>> miss amanda » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:50 PM

Millicent tore the red bow from the gun with her teeth and stormed out.

>> miss amanda » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:50 PM

Millicent tore the red bow from the gun with her teeth and stormed out.

>> Darren » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 04:50 PM

Huggy Bear hated that little bitch Hal for costing him a sale. He started formulating a plan of revenge...

>> chrissie » Wednesday, August 14, 2002 11:55 PM

So huggy bear unleashed his secret weapon: his guard dog, Cougar.

>> » Thursday, August 15, 2002 10:56 AM

Millicent, seeing that death and destruction was coming the way of the nice, albeit thoroughly unkept, man who gave her a gun, used a jedi mind trick on Huggy Bears guard dog cougar. Cougar, sensing he had been bettered by the lady in the flowered frock, decided to become her new companion, protector and friend, and off they went together. On the way back to the bank, Millicent passed by a Hat Store and wistfully thought, "How lovely those hat are, if indeed I do threaten my boss and rob the bank, I shall come back and get the modest, by striking chapeau with the little silk forgetmenots on it. Millicent cuckled to herself, enjoying the irony of the floral metephor, and went, accompanied by Cougar, on her way.

>> Darren » Thursday, August 15, 2002 11:11 AM

Then, unexepected, came a narrative voiceover!

>> » Thursday, August 15, 2002 11:21 AM

and in a poorly constructed British accent, the narrator curtly and patronistically said "This Story has gotten altogether too silly!" and retreated back into the obsurity of omnicient narration.

>> » Thursday, August 15, 2002 01:15 PM

Luckily, a back-up narrator is always kept on staff in the event the British voice is unwilling.

>> Anders » Thursday, August 15, 2002 01:15 PM

Arrrgh...it is I, the replacement narrator. Many a year I've spent at sea, waiting for my turn to tell ye scallywags of the fierce struggles in Millicent's life. But that poopdeck-scrubbing villainainous gentleman hardly ever takes a day off. So here we be, and so is she, the young and beautiful Millicent, toiling ashore her island city dispensing gold. A fierce and mangy dog at her side, a pistol held tightly in her grip, Millicent scans the horizon for her enemies...

>> Darren » Thursday, August 15, 2002 01:19 PM

...all of which met their doom in Davey Jones's Locker. Arr, it be a sad day for the likes of Millie.

>> » Thursday, August 15, 2002 03:41 PM

Alas, its true. Millicent has not always been the prim and proper girl (albeit with evident anger managment issues). She was born on a ship bound for Borneo; her mother was the ships captain, and her father an attractive kitchen-boy. Millicent was raised in an eviroment or freedom and adventure. Although she had salt water in her blood, and a long string of youthful conquests behind her, Millicent craved a quiet life, different from the Amazonian adventures of her girlhood days. After leaving the seas, and spending soetime with a band of travelling gypsies, Millicent had taken the job as a bank teller and enjoyed the quiet solitude of her life. That is until that one fateful day when...

>> » Thursday, August 15, 2002 07:15 PM

... The aliens (not mexician.. the ET kind) came and took her away.

THE END.

>> Darren » Thursday, August 15, 2002 07:26 PM

OF THE WORLD IS NEAR! said the sign, held aloft by Roger FerryMuck. Roger often paraded around town foretelling the untimely doom of the little seafaring town. After all, the lifeblood of the community was in its minnow fishery, and nary a minnow had been seen for quite some time.

>> Darren » Friday, August 16, 2002 10:45 AM

We apologize for the fault in the continuity of the story. Those responsible have been sacked.

>> » Friday, August 16, 2002 12:30 PM

Millicent saw Roger FerryMuck and felt a kinship with him. She had often longed to deliver messages of hope and appocalypse, but had never found the right venue. She enjoyed his sign, and although she didnt feel that the end of the world was near, she certainly had a few things of her own to say. A Prophet to the people.

>> miss amanda » Friday, August 16, 2002 03:52 PM

So Millicent tore all of her clothes off (except for her my little pony underwear - childhood trama, don't ask) and paraded around Roger singing Kumbayah to the world.

>> Darren » Friday, August 16, 2002 04:11 PM

RIGHT! Right, that's enough... this story has got altogether too silly.



Let's try a nice story. About ponies.



Wait for it!

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